Here We Go: TWW Number Seven

It's been two days since the frozen embryo transfer and a little bit of fear is starting to set in.  The dreaded "two week wait" has officially begun....for the seventh time, for me.

Hope is a strange thing for me right now.  Of course, I had "hoped" that the embryos would survive the thaw and when I found out they did, I felt an overwhelming surge of emotion and a lot of joy in knowing that those prayers we had all prayed had been answered.  After receiving that great news, we underwent the transfer per usual procedures (one that I have done over half a dozen times before), headed out for lunch, just Kellen and I, picked up the kids and then headed home.  Since the moment I arrived home, I've been trying my best to "sit."  As I sit and lounge around trying to remain on bed rest, I have some time to think.  No matter how hard I try, my mind wanders and wishes and worries and struggles to always hope for the best.  Hope is risky in the infertility world.  More risky for me now than ever.  It's hard to have hope when you are fighting against hopelessness.  I like to think of myself as a risk taker sort of person.  One who gets excited about change, new things, new directions, new friends, and thrilling adventures.  But the one thing that has managed to pull me back into a very low, subtle, quiet state is this journey through infertility.  I know I have somewhere around a 40% chance of this resulting in a negative outcome.  This is so hard for me because I am a "glass half full" person.  I'm an optimist.  So why do I think of it this way?  Infertility brings me down low.  I want these babies so bad and I know that their lives have been initiated and formed.  I need my body to support their growth.  I feel helpless at this point.  In all previous fertility cycles, there has not been a consistent factor that has contributed to a successful pregnancy.  Conceiving Khloe and Evan were drastically different, as were the pregnancies, but both began with fresh IVF cycles.  I try to stay away from "the google," but it's hard not to search for answers, even if those answers are from Chinese hacker, Dong Dong, from across the globe trying to get my great uncle, King Luther, over to the US with my monetary donation of 3 zillion dollars.  Mr. Dong might have something interesting to say about how long I should wait until I freak out that might help to calm my nerves, ya know?   Oh wait, he's not a hacker, he's an Olympian.  But still, that's just one small example of how the google can assist me at times when my mind nears levels of insanity.  (Key word there being "insanity")

I have to keep praying and not let my mind get the best of me.  I know I am blessed to have my two children.  But even knowing that I have been blessed with these children doesn't make it any easier to accept a failed cycle.  This cycle began with very healthy embryos created during Evan's fresh IVF cycle.  These babies deserve to live and, in my mind, I can't imagine it any other way.  I'll probably test early, I always do.  But the most accurate and final test will still be on Dec 26th. 

I should proof read these posts, but I never really have like proofreading.  Spellcheck seems sufficient.  #noragrets #ivfmakesmecrazy