I had a nurse return my phone call yesterday around 2pm. It was the same nurse that I mentioned a few posts back [http://hurstbabystory.blogspot.com/2015/01/game-time.html], Courtney is her name. She has been such a blessing during this process. I talked to her for nearly 15 minutes and everything she said to me was exactly what I needed to hear.
I now feel as though I have a plan in place. I'm not giving up. Each month is an opportunity to grow my family, whether it be through IVF or not. Maybe something will happen this month, if not, we'll try IVF again beginning in March. My hope and my faith is not in the doctor but it is in God. Dr. Jarrett doesn't create life, God creates life. And as controversial as IVF can be when mixed with religious talk, I believe that God uses IVF as a tool just as He has provided many other medical procedures for us.
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What's impossible for me to understand right now is "why?" Why do I have this strong desire to have more kids? It crossed my mind shortly after having Khloe that wanting more kids, after praying and practically begging God for just one child, that maybe I was being selfish in wanting more. I spent a short time feeling guilty for still having the desire to have more children after God has miraculously given me a healthy baby girl. But I no longer feel that way. I did not put this desire in my own heart. If I did, I'd remove it, because removing it would take away the struggle, the hurt, and the pain. Removing it would take away those seasons in my life where I sacrifice my body, my mind, my emotions, my comfort, my sanity, my daily schedule, my job, everything. I set everything aside to go through a month of IVF. It is literally a month dedicated to an overly expensive self-sacrifice to science and medicine. The only thing I can keep during that month is my faith and God. He pulls me in close and He helps me survive it. But I can't remove the desire. It's there. And it's not going anywhere right now. This is something within me that I'm willing to fight for, and until I feel like God is telling me "No, Stop" I will keep on fighting.
You know, another thing I was thinking about today is the crazy way I had pregnancy symptoms for 3-4 days and then the crazy way in which they stopped and those regular monthly symptoms took over. Just thinking about this almost breaks me. I know the desperation in the hearts of women dealing with infertility, the longing for these symptoms. It's a disgusting and cruel joke.... how badly I wish I had them back.
To end on a happier note, I found this picture on my laptop today of a screen shot I took of my first blog post. This makes me happy. This gives me hope.
I now feel as though I have a plan in place. I'm not giving up. Each month is an opportunity to grow my family, whether it be through IVF or not. Maybe something will happen this month, if not, we'll try IVF again beginning in March. My hope and my faith is not in the doctor but it is in God. Dr. Jarrett doesn't create life, God creates life. And as controversial as IVF can be when mixed with religious talk, I believe that God uses IVF as a tool just as He has provided many other medical procedures for us.
---------------------
What's impossible for me to understand right now is "why?" Why do I have this strong desire to have more kids? It crossed my mind shortly after having Khloe that wanting more kids, after praying and practically begging God for just one child, that maybe I was being selfish in wanting more. I spent a short time feeling guilty for still having the desire to have more children after God has miraculously given me a healthy baby girl. But I no longer feel that way. I did not put this desire in my own heart. If I did, I'd remove it, because removing it would take away the struggle, the hurt, and the pain. Removing it would take away those seasons in my life where I sacrifice my body, my mind, my emotions, my comfort, my sanity, my daily schedule, my job, everything. I set everything aside to go through a month of IVF. It is literally a month dedicated to an overly expensive self-sacrifice to science and medicine. The only thing I can keep during that month is my faith and God. He pulls me in close and He helps me survive it. But I can't remove the desire. It's there. And it's not going anywhere right now. This is something within me that I'm willing to fight for, and until I feel like God is telling me "No, Stop" I will keep on fighting.
You know, another thing I was thinking about today is the crazy way I had pregnancy symptoms for 3-4 days and then the crazy way in which they stopped and those regular monthly symptoms took over. Just thinking about this almost breaks me. I know the desperation in the hearts of women dealing with infertility, the longing for these symptoms. It's a disgusting and cruel joke.... how badly I wish I had them back.
To end on a happier note, I found this picture on my laptop today of a screen shot I took of my first blog post. This makes me happy. This gives me hope.
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