Finding Hope

Maybe it's because I know too much.  This process is grueling.  Infertility, although a great medical blessing to my family, is not for the weak-hearted.  I've prided myself many, many times over and over again on my inability to worry about things.  "Kellen is the worrier, not me," I say.  I am the optimist.  I examine the situation and am the one who says "What can we control here and what is out of our hands?"  Although I can examine and breakdown a situation quickly, I still struggle with those that are out of my control.  Especially when the outcome could overwhelmingly cause massive joy to my heart or break it down to shreds and then drop them at my feet. 

But the reality of the situation is that we have 2 embryos today.  That is the least amount of embryos we've ever came away with after day 1 of fertilization.  That's out of 4 total IVF cycles, with only one (my sweet Khloe) being successful.  This is why it's such a disadvantage that I know too much.  I've been through it too many times.  "It only takes one," they say.  Yes, I know it only takes one.  But my little babies have four days left to survive on their own, and with my track record, the track record of past fertility labs, the likeliness of these two babies fighting like hell to survive in there is slim.  I'm discouraged.  I'm sad.  I'm trying my hardest to stay optimistic. 

God, where are you?  I hope you're hearing me and I hope you're taking care of my babies.